a little bit of HEAVEN on earth

We decided at the last minute to see if we could get away for the 4th of July weekend. Ty was working late that Friday but then had Saturday-Monday off. So we quickly looked to find a cabin we could rent and everything seemed to just fall into our laps...The cabin was in a beautiful gated community with lots of hiking trails, waterfalls and a small lake. The cabin itself was magazine cover material, it was very large and beautiful, but they gave it to us for cheap because someone had canceled on them at the last minute. As we pulled into the community there was a big board that said there would be a firework show out over the lake that night. It was the best firework show we have been to in a very long time!

We know this trip was inspired. It was truly a chance for us to see what Heaven might be like and we feel it was His plan all along to let us have a special time to see how much we really love eachother, to feel and see Him in our surroundings, and to recognize how truly happy we are as a family. This is both comforting--it helps us feel less at fault and find peace in knowing that Heavenly Father does know who we are and what is going on in our lives--but at the same time, it hurts--how could He know all along? And how could something so painful be a part of any good plan?

Oh how we all LONG to be back at "the cabin." (Coleson asks quite often.) It's the last chunk of time that we all remember being TRULY happy. We'd love to go back to that moment in time when we were ALL together, in a peaceful place, loving every moment...

Thank goodness we do know that we can ALL be together again...in a peaceful place, loving EVERY moment...

hard things

I haven't been able to post, life shouldn't be the way it is, and I can't bear to move that precious little face down further into my blog. Never could I have imagined when we had our perfect, happy, 4 month-old check-up on July 15th that after his afternoon nap latter in the day I would never see his face light up again and then two days later I would be completely without my sweet and lovable mr. B.

And now, 3 months later, I still can't believe he's really gone and not coming back...our home just isn't and never will be the same.

I still can't decide if I keep posting life happenings on this blog, or, if I just start a new one....I feel like my life came to a halting stop and shattered into a million pieces and that we have been attempting to live a new one ever since...so it kind of seems only right that my blog be the same way. But, maybe, over time, I can figure out a way to weave these lives together, we will see...

For now, I keep writing blog posts/journal entries in my head about those last moments and weeks with Beckett that hadn't been posted on the blog yet. Like our glimpse of Heaven over the 4th of July weekend or the tender mercies of people that came into place as our life fell completely apart....I also keep writing this post/sharing my testimony in my head, over and over again because my emotions are overwhelming and this it too much for me to say out loud, for now....

This is what I know: Beckett is very good. He is in a good place, fulfilling the mission that Heavenly Father has always known would be his; he didn't need to be here on earth for very long, just long enough to receive a body and to smile at every person he met, and to help our family know who he was and fall madly in love with him so that we would do ALL we could to be with him again. We have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us and has provided a plan for us to be with our families forever. Tyler and I were sealed in the Manti, Utah temple on June 8, 2002, for time and all eternity. Beckett is ours forever (and so is Makinzie, Addellyn, Coleson and any others that may come into our family for generations to come).

I also know: I miss Beckett. He made me happy and feel so close to heaven. I connected with him (as an infant) on a level that made me feel guilty as a mother about not connecting that way with my other kids when they were tiny; and now I feel a horrible void where that connection has temporarily been lost. My wisdom is much less than that of my Heavenly Father's. Through my weak, mortal eyes, it is hard for me to comprehend that a Being who is all knowing and loves me so much could know that Beckett would be taken from my arms, know the immense pain and grief that would come, and still be able to put me and my family through it all. My feelings are hurt, I even feel slightly betrayed and kicked aside. For this reason, it is sometimes easier to listen to Satan and to allow myself to become discouraged, and to believe that it is all my fault, that I am a bad mother. I am an imperfect human being, so it makes more sense that something so painful and horrible would be my fault and not the plan of my perfect Maker. Maybe if I had checked on Beckett during his nap just a little bit earlier, maybe if I were more in tune with the promptings of the Spirit I would have known to RUN and get him, or maybe if I had never put him down to sleep, but held him in my arms for his nap he would still be here, or maybe if, maybe if, if only....maybe if my faith were stronger, then a miracle could have occurred and I wouldn't now feel unsafe and out of place in my own home....

So...I HAVE to remember (even if it takes all of the energy I have to remember): He does know all things. He does love me. If Beckett was supposed to stay on earth, He would have given me a prompting to go and save him or He would have granted us our miracle in the PICU. And remember instead that He DID answer the prayers of soooo many faithful people, rallying for our family, by surrounding us with His spirit and by His angels. We were lifted up in His arms. The spirit was overwhelmingly present in our little baby's hospital room. Beckett was glowing, he was being administered to by angels. And I have never before, nor since, felt the overwhelming presence of His loving messengers, the same way that we did in the quiet, private, special hospital room, as we were each, individually blessed, by the priesthood of God and we said goodbye to our sweet baby for this life. Heavenly Father reassured us that we were doing His will. I know He and His angels were with us. So many things fell into place as they needed to. This was Heavenly Father's plan from the beginning of time. I will be with Beckett again and be able to raise him and hold him and whisper I love him as he grins and kicks his happy little feet. His wisdom is greater than my own. If I trust in Him, He will lead me back into His presence and wrap me in His loving arms, and say "well done." This hard life is but a moment in His eternal plan. Beckett is fulfilling a wonderful mission in heaven that Tyler and I will rejoice over as we hear about it when we are with him again, and then, we will understand.

But for now, we will continue to grieve as we continue to relive the trauma of July 15th, over and over in our dreams and in our minds....as we see all of the other babies continue to grow and develop around us...as we sit at the dinner table, as a family, and don't have those happy kicking feet and his grinning face to entertain us...when we sing songs at family night and know that he would have been so happy to hear us all singing...as we hike through the woods and remember that weekend of bliss with our fun mr B...as Tyler and I spend those last couple of hours together each night without a little snuggled lump on Ty's chest...as we miss our little pal, in EVERY day to day moment, and our hearts continue to ache...we will be sad...

But we keep telling ourselves, again and again: "Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed We shall meet at last." And we keep reminding ourselves to rejoice in the day that we will be with him and our Father and our Savior again! We plead with our Father to "Lead kindly light amid the encircling gloom....lead thou me on!" And we will slowly, very slowly, be lead to a point of healing and greater understanding...

My brother and his wife created this as a reminder of our Heavenly Father's plan:

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=1AbuG7hy2YsnNw&emid=sharepbsharer&linkid=link5&cid=EM_sharpbshar
...and it has been a very sweet reminder.

Perfect Baby Beckett

On Sunday, July 17, our perfect baby Tanner Beckett Gasser was unexpectedly called back to our Heavenly Father. He fought long enough in the PICU for his Mommy and Daddy to understand that it really was his time and then he peacefully left this life to be at his Father's side.

We are so very grateful to have been blessed by him for even this short time. He truly was and will continue to be an inspiration. We love him so very much.

We have felt the continued prayers and support from so very many people. Thank you all for your love.

WHAT?!? A day OFF?

You already know what we do with days off around here, right? YUP! Put 'em to work! And the garage was in need of a serious make-over...This is the finished product. It still needs a few shelves re-organized, but we did pretty well for only taking up the morning! It was sooooo hot though; we were all about ready to melt by the time we went in for lunch! And I should have taken a before picture, but just imagine chaos surrounding a pallet that had once been full of stone...Even after ALL that work they were still pretty happy! (Ok, so they only worked a little in comparison to what Ty was doing [he changed the oil in his car as well] plus they got popcicles for everything they helped do, but still...) And where was Beckett during all of this work??? He spent half of his time rocking out in his chair just watching everyone and then he spent the other half working on this:
I mean growing cheeks this size takes a LOT of effort!

the PARTY!

OR parties...we like to stretch birth "days" into birth "weeks" The birthday-gummy-bear-cup so she could blow out candles at her party. She didn't want cake, just "fudge pops"! (LOVE that!)

She had very speciic things that she wanted to have happen at her party (aside from blowing out candles and opening presents), like:

slip-n-sliding!

bubble blowing! scavenger hunting! (for a treasure box full of bags to take home; and ater Ty proved his excellence at scavenger-hunt-making on our anniversary he was absolutely put in charge of this fun activity!) painting! (and lucky me, I found a website that showed me how to turn old crumbles of sidewalk chalk into sidewalk paint, it's awesome stuff!)

the day after her REAL birthday (since we had ice cream cones at Chik-fil-A that night) we put candles on her fruit pizza, "that looks just like the flag for America for my flag day birthday," and we had a little party with our friends that had come over to play for the day (while their mom was busy welcoming a brand new, sweet baby boy)!

It was definitely a VERY happy, HAPPY birthday week!

Guess who turned 5?!?

Here's the Birthday invitation she helped me make and send out...

I don't think ANYone had trouble guessing who was turning 5. Addellyn had been letting EVERYone know exactly what day she would be 5 for months! She could NOT wait! And in 5 years she has changed (slightly)...but not too much, right?!She got to open 1 present in the morning and she just happened to pick the present with this cute new outfit in it!So she quickly put it on and asked me to follow her outside to take some glamour shots!favorite color: turquoise blue (surprising, huh?) and sparkly!Addellyn's favorite thing to do: gymnastics! (and swimming)and she LOVES: "going to fun places" She REALLY wanted to go to the park on her birthday. So we headed to the "new one" for lunch--however, it was the last day of school, and after being there for only 30 min. the park had been over-run by really rotten teenagers (like ones that wouldn't move out of the way so that the little kids could go down the slides or across the monkey bars, etc apparently they own the "new park" so we'll have to find a different one to play on...so disappointing)favorite food: chicken nuggets and rootbeer float. So, she was treated to Chik-fil-A for dinner...LUCKY!She was beyond excited to open these presents! Usually Addellyn will do all she can to cover up any raw emotions (well, other than anger) because she always needs to feel like she is in control...but she couldn't wipe this grin off of her face!She LOVED everything! But, she still says her most favorite thing to do is: "play video games on PBS kids"This roly-poly man (seriously, look at those ROllS!) REALLY enjoys hearing his siblings squeal with delight! He giggles every time.

Oh how we LOVE our Addellyn! Can't believe she is already 5...Now she is counting down the minutes until she can get on the school bus and head to Kindergarten...yikes!

UPSET tummy?!?

Daddy can fix that!

Just throw some ear phones on the boy and turn on the classical piano music...

ALL bettter! (ok, so him puking all over Ty's shirt first may have helped to get rid of the sour stomache blues too...but only a little.)

9 years...

What better way to celebrate than with 9 presents!?! (and very useful presents, I might add...poor guy, guess he knew he was marrying a practical gal from the get-go though!) The 9 notes were the BEST part...they even made him cry, see?!? Okay, so they didn't, but he went and put water on his eyes to take this picture because he thought he was pretty funny (guess I knew I was marrying a sarcastic "funny man" from the get-go too though...)
He sent me on a wild goose chase the minute I woke June 8th, ALL over the house--for 9 very sweet notes (that DID make me cry--because inspite of the sarcasm Ty really does have an incredibly sweet side--which is why he was trying to pretend like mine had made him cry...)
9 wonderful years, and we couldn't love each other more! Thank goodness we have eternity to enjoy being together!

My little helper

He LOVES to help blog apparently! (I had NO idea Ty was taking pictures of such events :))

He really likes to sit in the bumbo while we fix dinner and set the table so he can "chat" with everyone....OR while he is waiting for me to hurry and make this:so we can head out the door with it to a "new mommy" in the ward...I love that I have been feeling good enough to help OTHER people, instead of the roles being switched! I could not be more grateful for good health and the ability to share!He also is incredibly helpful while folding laundry......the pile just GROWS as he lays there! I don't know what I would do without this little helper!