July--it's just hard

  I think I figured out the reason for me being so physically ill the first part of July as the middle of July approached like a black storm cloud.  My body seems to respond to emotional stress and depression by becoming sick and having millions of bruises show up out of no where.
  As mid-July approached I tried to remind myself that the day of Beckett's death is not as important as the day of his birth and the many days that he was here and a part of our family life.  But, no matter how much I tried to remind myself of that, the closer the day of his death came, the more anxious I became and the more flashbacks I had of those nightmare days.  All of the emotions that I had at that time began to consume me all over again.  I was even waking up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face, as I had in the past.  I was having nightmares about the days leading up to us finally saying goodbye and then the horrible experiences we had planning funerals, etc.  It ALL very easily flooded my mind--if one thing trickles in, the rest can easily follow...

     I think I wanted to believe that missing him and remembering these yucky days would get easier with time, I kind of hoped that this 2nd year mark would be easier than the first, though I think in the back of my mind I also didn't want them to get easier; scared that them getting easier would mean that I had forgotten his sweet face and joyful personality; scared that I would lose my drive to be the best me I can be so that I can hold him again; scared that he would think I had stopped loving and remembering him...It all sounds a bit silly when you say it out loud, but its always just looming in the back of my mind; the need to move on and feel better, but also the need to not move on and to not forget.  Lots of days I just want to go back to this moment of serenity:

  Maybe because of this internal struggle, maybe because Tyler didn't take time off this year, maybe because we were here at home, I don' know for sure, but for whatever reason it was much harder this year.  I seemed to sink back into that dark pit of despair, guilt, loneliness, etc.  But, I was trying not to let anyone else see that I had sunk; I like to do that, make everyone around me think that I am perfectly fine, why?!?  Maybe because those moments that I was completely vulnerable and my emotions were out there for everyone to see are still extremely painful just to remember, so I'm terrified to let them out and relive moments like this:

   It was harder this year to see and know that so many more people had forgotten and moved on, less people reached out this year than had at the first year mark.  I do not feel angry with anyone or feel like it is their fault, it is just sad that he seems so easily forgotten, probably partly because not many people truly got to know him.  (Not that I call people or do anything for family and friends' children's birthdays or big accomplishments, or even their own special days, even if I AM thinking about them, and hoping for their happiness--I'm an awful friend and communicator; but for whatever reason THIS situation seems different--because in my skewed vision his significant days are more important because he isn't here).
  It was also hard to see that our own little family had moved further on, things had changed even more.  They should, time brings change, but just because I know that's how it works, that doesn't make it any easier, especially when I am irrationally emotional.  It was hard to see that my own kids didn't even recognize the day or time of year--July was a normal month for them--I didn't tell them or mark any calendars (we have chosen to celebrate him on Christmas, Easter, his Birthday; not these sad and painful memory filled days).  So, without parents or others pointing it out, kids don't associate things with dates and times, they don't remember those moments that are forever cemented in my mind, they live in this moment, they're too young, and it's good that they don't relive those horrible moments, but it still, in my fog of emotion, seemed like another way he's been forgotten, and it's painful...

  Sometimes life beats me down, these horrible memories make me emotionally and physically ill, I feel alone and want nothing more than to see and be with my mom and talk with her for a little while (I guess it's that childish need to feel secure and know that you're safe; my mom makes me feel safe--but the phone just doesn't cut it).  Being with her has never been possible during these darkest times--or any other times, it seems like we've been apart forever, but that's another sob story of mine.  Maybe with time it will all get better, maybe one day my communication skills will improve so that the phone IS enough, but probably July will always be an excruciatingly painful time of year.
  Thank goodness I can see a light, no matter how dark things may get, I still have hope in His plan of happiness.  Sometimes that peaceful light in the distance and these 5 people that surround me in my home and can make me smile and feel loved, even on my worst days, are all I have to cling to.  Luckily, that is enough.  As I lay these burdens down and take advantage of the Atonement and the pure love of our Savior (over and over again--I'm a slow learner), I know that I will eventually be okay...I also know that it takes time. I am struggling to learn patience in His plan. It's hard to climb out of a dark pit--I'm so thankful I don't have to climb out on my own.  This quote has been up where I can see it for the past two years, I say it in my own mind as if I am the speaker, to convince myself that it is true:

It is true.  I know He lives and loves me.  I know Beckett will live again too and that he too loves me.  I'm already a pretty huge mess, so I can NOT imagine my state of being without this knowledge and hope of what is to come.

our sweet baby boy

It was a blessing to be where Beckett's body was buried this Easter.  As we celebrated and gave thanks for the life of our Savior, we also celebrated and gave thanks for the life of our little Beckett and the gift from our Savior that he too will live again and be reunited with our family.

Since Beckett's birthday was in March as well, we took balloons to celebrate him.  We also each took one balloon and let it go into the air as we thought of the many memories and reasons why we love Beckett and are grateful to be his family.  I know he was there with us that day, and that he too is grateful.

We had sweet friends volunteer their time and their dad's time and resources to create this stone for Beckett.  They lovingly had the insight to ask if the pine trees would be an okay addition.  It reminds us of our time with him here on Earth and that he really isn't as far away as he sometimes seems...

We took time to "let our souls be still" and to walk around the cemetery grounds and soak in the beauty that surrounded us.

It was a bitter-sweet experience.  I was so grateful to have my parents there to help give the necessary attention to each child.
My heart is full of so many emotions as I think about and remember our sweet baby boy.  I still long to hold him, my arms still ache (even though they are usually VERY full), I still feel guilt, confusion, regret and deep sorrow. There is a weight of greater responsibility and concern for myself, my husband and my children as I fear not having the chance to be ALL together forever.  But, I also feel very blessed and hopeful.  I feel deeper love for all of my amazing children and a greater understanding of how they teach and shape who I am becoming each day.  I think as my heart has felt more sorrow than it's ever known, it has also stretched to that same degree in the opposite direction; able to feel more joy, peace and gratitude...my heart is most definitely FULL.
I really am grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me such a wonderful family and for allowing His Son to go through what He did so that I can have my family forever.

an Easter to remember

When the kids were asked what they wanted for Christmas they all REALLY wanted a trip to see Nana and Papa again; like last year--even if it meant less presents again.  

So, thanks to Ty working a little extra, they got tickets to Idaho as their gift from us!

We were able to be there for Easter again!

And, thanks to Grandma Pam they had AWESOME Easter dresses again!

(E was sleeping by the time we got to church, so we left her out of the first few pictures :))

We were thrilled to finally meet Easton and we were very happy to be there for his blessing day! (we don't typically make it to a lot of important family days--nor does our family make it to a lot of our important days--so it was a huge blessing to be there for this and to see and spend time with so many of our family members!)

Once Easton's party had finished up, the Easter hunt began.

(yes, Nathan and Lyndsey were there, along with Grandma and Grandpa Miller, cousin Jessica, and the WHOLE Reese family--I just didn't take enough pictures because 1-we were having lots of fun playing and 2-Evaliegh was at that "cling to mom no matter what" stage)

Evaleigh was more interested in the colorful eggs than getting her picture taken.

We were very grateful to be surrounded by family as we remembered, celebrated and gave thanks for our Savior's Atonement and His ability to conquer death.  We know that He has Risen. We are incredibly grateful for the Resurrection and the hope and peace it gives to this life. Here is a video portraying the Resurrection, as described in the bible.

no sadder reunion

Some things in life seem like they should never have to be experienced, by anyone, EVER...this is definitely one of them.

But we are grateful for sweet friends and family that were willing to surround us and try to lift us up at such an incredibly hard time...

a little bit of HEAVEN on earth

We decided at the last minute to see if we could get away for the 4th of July weekend. Ty was working late that Friday but then had Saturday-Monday off. So we quickly looked to find a cabin we could rent and everything seemed to just fall into our laps...The cabin was in a beautiful gated community with lots of hiking trails, waterfalls and a small lake. The cabin itself was magazine cover material, it was very large and beautiful, but they gave it to us for cheap because someone had canceled on them at the last minute. As we pulled into the community there was a big board that said there would be a firework show out over the lake that night. It was the best firework show we have been to in a very long time!

We know this trip was inspired. It was truly a chance for us to see what Heaven might be like and we feel it was His plan all along to let us have a special time to see how much we really love eachother, to feel and see Him in our surroundings, and to recognize how truly happy we are as a family. This is both comforting--it helps us feel less at fault and find peace in knowing that Heavenly Father does know who we are and what is going on in our lives--but at the same time, it hurts--how could He know all along? And how could something so painful be a part of any good plan?

Oh how we all LONG to be back at "the cabin." (Coleson asks quite often.) It's the last chunk of time that we all remember being TRULY happy. We'd love to go back to that moment in time when we were ALL together, in a peaceful place, loving every moment...

Thank goodness we do know that we can ALL be together again...in a peaceful place, loving EVERY moment...