July--it's just hard

  I think I figured out the reason for me being so physically ill the first part of July as the middle of July approached like a black storm cloud.  My body seems to respond to emotional stress and depression by becoming sick and having millions of bruises show up out of no where.
  As mid-July approached I tried to remind myself that the day of Beckett's death is not as important as the day of his birth and the many days that he was here and a part of our family life.  But, no matter how much I tried to remind myself of that, the closer the day of his death came, the more anxious I became and the more flashbacks I had of those nightmare days.  All of the emotions that I had at that time began to consume me all over again.  I was even waking up in the middle of the night with tears streaming down my face, as I had in the past.  I was having nightmares about the days leading up to us finally saying goodbye and then the horrible experiences we had planning funerals, etc.  It ALL very easily flooded my mind--if one thing trickles in, the rest can easily follow...

     I think I wanted to believe that missing him and remembering these yucky days would get easier with time, I kind of hoped that this 2nd year mark would be easier than the first, though I think in the back of my mind I also didn't want them to get easier; scared that them getting easier would mean that I had forgotten his sweet face and joyful personality; scared that I would lose my drive to be the best me I can be so that I can hold him again; scared that he would think I had stopped loving and remembering him...It all sounds a bit silly when you say it out loud, but its always just looming in the back of my mind; the need to move on and feel better, but also the need to not move on and to not forget.  Lots of days I just want to go back to this moment of serenity:

  Maybe because of this internal struggle, maybe because Tyler didn't take time off this year, maybe because we were here at home, I don' know for sure, but for whatever reason it was much harder this year.  I seemed to sink back into that dark pit of despair, guilt, loneliness, etc.  But, I was trying not to let anyone else see that I had sunk; I like to do that, make everyone around me think that I am perfectly fine, why?!?  Maybe because those moments that I was completely vulnerable and my emotions were out there for everyone to see are still extremely painful just to remember, so I'm terrified to let them out and relive moments like this:

   It was harder this year to see and know that so many more people had forgotten and moved on, less people reached out this year than had at the first year mark.  I do not feel angry with anyone or feel like it is their fault, it is just sad that he seems so easily forgotten, probably partly because not many people truly got to know him.  (Not that I call people or do anything for family and friends' children's birthdays or big accomplishments, or even their own special days, even if I AM thinking about them, and hoping for their happiness--I'm an awful friend and communicator; but for whatever reason THIS situation seems different--because in my skewed vision his significant days are more important because he isn't here).
  It was also hard to see that our own little family had moved further on, things had changed even more.  They should, time brings change, but just because I know that's how it works, that doesn't make it any easier, especially when I am irrationally emotional.  It was hard to see that my own kids didn't even recognize the day or time of year--July was a normal month for them--I didn't tell them or mark any calendars (we have chosen to celebrate him on Christmas, Easter, his Birthday; not these sad and painful memory filled days).  So, without parents or others pointing it out, kids don't associate things with dates and times, they don't remember those moments that are forever cemented in my mind, they live in this moment, they're too young, and it's good that they don't relive those horrible moments, but it still, in my fog of emotion, seemed like another way he's been forgotten, and it's painful...

  Sometimes life beats me down, these horrible memories make me emotionally and physically ill, I feel alone and want nothing more than to see and be with my mom and talk with her for a little while (I guess it's that childish need to feel secure and know that you're safe; my mom makes me feel safe--but the phone just doesn't cut it).  Being with her has never been possible during these darkest times--or any other times, it seems like we've been apart forever, but that's another sob story of mine.  Maybe with time it will all get better, maybe one day my communication skills will improve so that the phone IS enough, but probably July will always be an excruciatingly painful time of year.
  Thank goodness I can see a light, no matter how dark things may get, I still have hope in His plan of happiness.  Sometimes that peaceful light in the distance and these 5 people that surround me in my home and can make me smile and feel loved, even on my worst days, are all I have to cling to.  Luckily, that is enough.  As I lay these burdens down and take advantage of the Atonement and the pure love of our Savior (over and over again--I'm a slow learner), I know that I will eventually be okay...I also know that it takes time. I am struggling to learn patience in His plan. It's hard to climb out of a dark pit--I'm so thankful I don't have to climb out on my own.  This quote has been up where I can see it for the past two years, I say it in my own mind as if I am the speaker, to convince myself that it is true:

It is true.  I know He lives and loves me.  I know Beckett will live again too and that he too loves me.  I'm already a pretty huge mess, so I can NOT imagine my state of being without this knowledge and hope of what is to come.