I haven't been able to post, life shouldn't be the way it is, and I can't bear to move that precious little face down further into my blog. Never could I have imagined when we had our perfect, happy, 4 month-old check-up on July 15th that after his afternoon nap latter in the day I would never see his face light up again and then two days later I would be completely without my sweet and lovable mr. B. 
And now, 3 months later, I still can't believe he's really gone and not coming back...our home just isn't and never will be the same.
I still can't decide if I keep posting life happenings on this blog, or, if I just start a new one....I feel like my life came to a halting stop and shattered into a million pieces and that we have been attempting to live a new one ever since...so it kind of seems only right that my blog be the same way. But, maybe, over time, I can figure out a way to weave these lives together, we will see...
For now, I keep writing blog posts/journal entries in my head about those last moments and weeks with Beckett that hadn't been posted on the blog yet. Like our glimpse of Heaven over the 4th of July weekend or the tender mercies of people that came into place as our life fell completely apart....I also keep writing this post/sharing my testimony in my head, over and over again because my emotions are overwhelming and this it too much for me to say out loud, for now....
This is what I know: Beckett is very good. He is in a good place, fulfilling the mission that Heavenly Father has always known would be his; he didn't need to be here on earth for very long, just long enough to receive a body and to smile at every person he met, and to help our family know who he was and fall madly in love with him so that we would do ALL we could to be with him again. We have a loving Father in Heaven who knows us and has provided a plan for us to be with our families forever. Tyler and I were sealed in the Manti, Utah temple on June 8, 2002, for time and all eternity. Beckett is ours forever (and so is Makinzie, Addellyn, Coleson and any others that may come into our family for generations to come).
I also know: I miss Beckett. He made me happy and feel so close to heaven. I connected with him (as an infant) on a level that made me feel guilty as a mother about not connecting that way with my other kids when they were tiny; and now I feel a horrible void where that connection has temporarily been lost. My wisdom is much less than that of my Heavenly Father's. Through my weak, mortal eyes, it is hard for me to comprehend that a Being who is all knowing and loves me so much could know that Beckett would be taken from my arms, know the immense pain and grief that would come, and still be able to put me and my family through it all. My feelings are hurt, I even feel slightly betrayed and kicked aside. For this reason, it is sometimes easier to listen to Satan and to allow myself to become discouraged, and to believe that it is all my fault, that I am a bad mother. I am an imperfect human being, so it makes more sense that something so painful and horrible would be my fault and not the plan of my perfect Maker. Maybe if I had checked on Beckett during his nap just a little bit earlier, maybe if I were more in tune with the promptings of the Spirit I would have known to RUN and get him, or maybe if I had never put him down to sleep, but held him in my arms for his nap he would still be here, or maybe if, maybe if, if only....maybe if my faith were stronger, then a miracle could have occurred and I wouldn't now feel unsafe and out of place in my own home....
So...I HAVE to remember (even if it takes all of the energy I have to remember): He does know all things. He does love me. If Beckett was supposed to stay on earth, He would have given me a prompting to go and save him or He would have granted us our miracle in the PICU. And remember instead that He DID answer the prayers of soooo many faithful people, rallying for our family, by surrounding us with His spirit and by His angels. We were lifted up in His arms. The spirit was overwhelmingly present in our little baby's hospital room. Beckett was glowing, he was being administered to by angels. And I have never before, nor since, felt the overwhelming presence of His loving messengers, the same way that we did in the quiet, private, special hospital room, as we were each, individually blessed, by the priesthood of God and we said goodbye to our sweet baby for this life. Heavenly Father reassured us that we were doing His will. I know He and His angels were with us. So many things fell into place as they needed to. This was Heavenly Father's plan from the beginning of time. I will be with Beckett again and be able to raise him and hold him and whisper I love him as he grins and kicks his happy little feet. His wisdom is greater than my own. If I trust in Him, He will lead me back into His presence and wrap me in His loving arms, and say "well done." This hard life is but a moment in His eternal plan. Beckett is fulfilling a wonderful mission in heaven that Tyler and I will rejoice over as we hear about it when we are with him again, and then, we will understand.
But for now, we will continue to grieve as we continue to relive the trauma of July 15th, over and over in our dreams and in our minds....as we see all of the other babies continue to grow and develop around us...as we sit at the dinner table, as a family, and don't have those happy kicking feet and his grinning face to entertain us...when we sing songs at family night and know that he would have been so happy to hear us all singing...as we hike through the woods and remember that weekend of bliss with our fun mr B...as Tyler and I spend those last couple of hours together each night without a little snuggled lump on Ty's chest...as we miss our little pal, in EVERY day to day moment, and our hearts continue to ache...we will be sad...
But we keep telling ourselves, again and again: "Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past, All safe and blessed We shall meet at last." And we keep reminding ourselves to rejoice in the day that we will be with him and our Father and our Savior again! We plead with our Father to "Lead kindly light amid the encircling gloom....lead thou me on!" And we will slowly, very slowly, be lead to a point of healing and greater understanding...
My brother and his wife created this as a reminder of our Heavenly Father's plan:
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=1AbuG7hy2YsnNw&emid=sharepbsharer&linkid=link5&cid=EM_sharpbshar
...and it has been a very sweet reminder.
...and it has been a very sweet reminder.
7 comments:
We think about your family and baby Beckett all of the time. Beckett's passing touched my life and I have been able to strengthen my testimony through reading about and hearing yours about our Heavenly Father's plan. I remember the week before he passed we were nursing elbow to elbow in the mother's room and I was commenting on his chubbiness - he was such a cute baby boy! And now I can say that I was in the presence of a Celestial being!! How perfect he is!!! I love the book your family made! I cried at every page - sad tears knowing how much this has hurt you and your family and happy tears of joy knowing what the Gospel of Jesus Christ provides for us - to be ETERNAL families! Your family has touched our lives for good and we will forever remember sweet baby Beckett.
Love the Lindsays.
That was nothing less than beautiful and thank you for being so raw and forward with your comments. We love your family and think of you and this situation often. Your testimony is a strength to me and all your thoughts so touching. Hang in there! So sorry for your loss.
Your family is amazing... you give me hope :) I cannot imagine all that you went through and continue to go through every day as you will for a very long time but your testimony is a blessing to those around you. Your sweetness and love, even when you feel you are not sharing is the most amazing thing you could share with your friends and those you meet. I look at Becketts sweet picture every day... and I will continue to! I love you so dearly! Thank you for this post :) You have been an angel in my life in more ways than you could ever know.
Oh Andrea, I'm just in tears for you. What a powerful testimony. Thank you for sharing. I admire your strength and your courage. I'm so sorry that you are without your sweet baby. My heart aches for you. I continue to pray for your family to receive strength and comfort and anything else you are in need of. And the book is amazing. What a simple and profound reminder of the Plan of Salvation. Again, thank you for your thoughts and hugs from afar. Much Love, Melissa
Your comments and thoughts exactly describe how I always feared it would be to lose one of my children. I just sobbed while reading your post and can only imagine how hard this is for you. I am sure there are no words to express how it really is. I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am and how I wish with all my heart that things could have been different. You are such an amazing and strong person. Thank you for sharing your feelings. Love, Heather
What a beautiful testimony of on a very difficult and personal topic. Thank you for sharing. You and your family continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
Oh Andrea, you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I have always been impressed with your spiritual sensitivity. I know that because of who you are, you will be able to feel close to him in this life. He will be your cheerleader. I know that loved ones beyond the veil love us, and we can feel close to them because they live!! He has a special work to do. I am sure that your arms and heart are aching, just take it one day at a time. The Lord will give you strength. He will feel in the words you cannot say when you pray. He is your advocate with the Father. He will plead your case, and had felt your sorry, and Heavenly Father will bless you, I know. Love you.
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